A Strand Of Control (A Shard Of Hope)
by DobbyRocksSocks
Summary: Spoilers for Endgame Trailer. Floating in space with nothing but a dead suit helmet to keep him company, Tony does his best to hold onto what little control and hope he has left.


**Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise.**

 **Challenges listed at the bottom.**

 **Word Count** \- 1034

 _ **Warning**_ _\- This fic contains spoilers for the trailer of Avengers; Endgame (and also possible spoilers for previous movies)._

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 **A Strand Of Control (A Shard Of Hope)**

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He'd been annoyed. It seemed stupid now, that he'd been merely _annoyed_. He should have done something, anything, to send Peter back to earth before they got out of range. He should have been faster, smarter, _stronger_. Anything that meant that Peter… That he could still be alive.

Tony stared at the dead helmet in front of him. At least… at least if the ship was ever found, if Pepper had survived… at least she'd know that he'd been thinking of her. At least she'd know that he had and would always love her.

She deserved that much from him.

She deserved much more from him, and yet, time and time again, he'd managed to let her down. He thought she was probably used to it by now, but he knew from experience that being used to something didn't make it hurt any less.

"Hate to admit it," he whispered to the helmet. "But I messed up. It's… I could have stopped all of this. If I'd just…"

Tony shook his head, trying his damndest to keep the last scraps of his control. He was so close to losing it, but he couldn't because to lose control would be to give up on the last tiny strand of hope he had of somehow getting out of this and he _couldn't._

Logically, he knew that none of this situation was really his fault and despite many comments to the contrary, his ego wasn't big enough to accept the responsibility for this. It was Thanos, and Thanos alone.

But if Tony…

He could have, should have, called Steve. Way before Bruce arrived, way before they were getting ready to fight for their lives. He'd held onto the hurt instead of finding a way to let it go and now he was sitting alone in a small room on a busted spaceship and he was probably going to die.

And for what?

"There's no shame in dying for nothing," he murmured to the helmet. "That's why most people die, right?"

He'd just… ever since he'd first created Iron Man, he'd hoped for something… more. Something with meaning. Something that meant that he'd done his best to make up for the mistakes he'd made.

Tony palmed at his eyes, trying to force away the tension headache. He was in pain everywhere, and yet the niggle behind his eyes was the worst of it. He'd heard people say that all pain left when you died, so perhaps this pain was a good thing.

At least he was still alive to feel it.

When he pulled his hands away, he realised they were damp. Only then did he realise he was crying.

It had been a long time since Tony had cried, and here he was, for the second time in a few days. He'd managed to keep stoic in the face of so much loss, and yet facing his own end, he couldn't seem to hold it together at all.

Selfish, tick.

He couldn't help but wonder if anyone would miss him. Was Pepper even alive to miss him? The rest of his…

Tony hadn't had much in the way of family for most of his life, but the Avengers… they'd kind of become his family. And he hadn't even spoken to them for two years. Pepper and Rhodey, they'd been his family for a long time, but the Avengers…

If Tony could regret anything in his life, and he had a whole host of regrets, it would be that he hadn't made amends with them while he still had the chance. Losing that chance, that hurt more than almost anything.

Losing Peter…

Tony shook his head. He couldn't.

The tears started coming faster, and he was gasping for air.

Watching Peter disintegrate, watching him _turn to dust,_ had damaged something deep inside him and he didn't know how to fix this. It felt like someone had plunged him into ice before scolding him with fire, he was numb and yet he was in pain, as though scorched.

He just… he wanted to go back. Back to when everything was simple. When they fought together as a team, when the bad guy was obvious, when Pepper was waiting for him at the end of the fight, incandescent with rage and worry at his antics.

He wanted to go back to when it was easy to show his appreciation for his self made family, when they could and did show it right back with ease.

He wanted to go back and tell himself to hold onto that, because he'd never have a better life than that one. He'd never have it as good as that again.

Nebula stood in the doorway, and Tony startled when he saw her. She'd been so silent, he'd almost completely forgotten she was there at all. He hastily wiped away the evidence of his sorrow, knowing she'd seen it but needing to pretend to himself regardless.

He might be at his lowest, but that didn't mean he needed to show it.

"What is it?" he asked, forcing the words out.

His throat was so dry and sore, he could barely manage much more than a whisper. He didn't suppose the emotion had helped with that either.

"We're close to Earth," she murmured. "I think I can get us there."

Tony blinked at her. They… she… he…

"It might… not work," she added.

He heard the words she wasn't saying, had used identical words in the past himself, not saying that something could go very wrong.

"Do it," he murmured. Pleaded. _Begged_. "Please. I… I want to go home."

…

Tony stumbled from the spaceship, Nebula holding him up. Rhodey was there to meet him, and Tony felt a burst of joy that his oldest friend, his Honeybear, had survived the snap.

"Pepper?" he asked, his voice rough and harsh but understandable. He needed water, but first he needed to know that Pepper was okay.

Except.

"I'm so sorry, Tones. She didn't…"

The words didn't need to be said. Tony had heard enough and those last shards of control, that last strand of hope died.

Rhodey barely managed to catch him before he hit the ground.

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 **Written for;**

Assorted Appreciation - 15. Find that one thing that matters and write about your fave character appreciating the same thing.

Book Club - Nana - "Hate to admit it, but I messed up." / Identical / Annoyed

Showtime - 10. Damaged

Attic - 16. Someone losing control

Liza Loves - 15. Someone crying/upset

Arcade - ST3 - Someone feeling their lowest

Lowdown - D1. "There's no shame in dying for nothing. That's why most people die."

Days of the year - 44. Someone being in pain.

Winter - Ice

Flowers - Viburnum - Incandescent

Element - Damp

Star Chart - Mercury at Greatest Eastern Elongation - Theme; Loss

365; 23. Regret

1000; 707. Avengers


End file.
